0 Bathing - the adventure of a 39 week 2 day pregnant woman on a Friday night.

There was nothing on the tv, and after a harsh morning cleaning (the tuckshop) and the overwhelming (olfactory) urge to bathe, a decision that the black hole in entertainment between 'Salina's bedtime and Outrageous Fortune coming back onto Free-to-Air television in Australia (to see what that may mean to me, I have a thing for Outrageous) (oh, and if I were in Auckland I would definitely do this) would be best filled by running the tub and submerging.

So the bath was filled (yoga positioning required. Lean forward and gently toward the taps, hoping desparately that the centre of gravity would remain in the legs section of the torso and not suddenly tip into the leaning bit - gravity truly sucks sometimes), using the occasional dabble of the right foot for temperature control. There is a conscious thought process on the advisability of adjusting the temperature too finely, as the above step of balance is to be taken seriously with every nudge of the taps.

Getting in to the bath is itself convoluted and requiring several steps.

First, ensure that you are far enough from the plug end to allow room for the eventual placement of legs after lowering - this also means not so close to the slopey (sp?) end of the bath that the tailbone may impact above the bend.

Once correct positioning has been reached, attempt a squat - as you pass the point where your knees may get close to collapse, take the weight off one leg and try to extend it forward WHILE balancing on the other and extending your arms to catch the side of the bath. Continue the downward trajectory until such time as gravity takes over and you plummet.

The "getting into the bath" stage should take place when the water level is not going to be too adversely affected by the Archimedes principle under pressure.

Once in the bath, you are able to use your right foot to adjust the water temperature and turn off the water once the plumb line has been reached. This is a good thing, as there is a very non-pregnant chance in Hades that you would be able to reach down to your ankles and adjust manually.

Now the bath has been run and horizontalish as been achieved, soaking, reading and wallowing may be contemplated. Ignore the water temperature, as once the water is off there is no factor that can be influenced in that matter until removal of body from the bath. Therefore it is adviseable to stay in the water until 7 minutes before unbearable to take full advantage of all the effort that has led to this point.

Once upon a non-pregnant time, the deadline used to be 2 minutes to allow for 2 minutes ablutions before arising, effortlessly and Venus-like, from the waters.

At 39 weeks 2 days pregnant, washing is not the mindless activity that thence it was. You will need all of the 4.5 minutes you allocate for this task just to attempt to reach all frontiers with soap - rinsing is somewhat easier, as you can throw water in the general direction.

With the last 2.5 minutes, exit strategies must be used.

First, sit up.

(ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha)

Please use whatever handholds the bath offers to achieve this - there is no pride available in this step.

Next, cross legs - again with the yoga, I know, but it is a step that is required when your ankles have no flex left and you have to get to vertical somehow.

Now, grasping the end of the bath, try to twist your legs around to one side of your body, hopefully ending up with both of them facing the same way and in correct order. You may need to rock a bit to achieve this, as momentum can be your friend but can also get you stuck if your timing is off.

With both legs to the side (left is my preference) you then need to attempt to raise your torso enough to get said legs to a position approximating beneath you.

Now, lean forward to place your palms on the bottom of the bath and raise yourself onto all-fours. Move through whatever tortures are required to get to Downward Dog and, using the sides of the bath, bathroom fittings and whatever furnishings within reach until vertical is achieved.

Congratulations!!